Sometimes I don't feel like a whole person...

...I have so many different parts of my personality. I think the people in my life only get their version of me and I am never everything that I am. Part of the problem is that I am so moody and depending on the way I feel affects the way I present myself. I am mostly level but I think at times I don't even know what it will be that sets me off. Many times I have tried to be the person that someone wants me to be. Whether it is a boyfriend or a family member I have spent much of my life trying to act the way people want me too. "Toughen up! No talking back. Your too skinny. Are you gay?" Nobody ever really asked me what was wrong with me. They usually just came right out and told me. I don't know a time that I ever could just be myself. I have made it my mission as I get older to be more of the man I know I am inside. I don't think I have ever really changed from the person I was when I was a teenager. Old friends that reconnect with me now think I have but I think I just learned how to control myself more. As I get older I hope to allow all of who I am to come out. I don't want to be afraid anymore to just be myself.

"I used to write down my thoughts all the time...

...and it got me through everything. I'd write page after page about what was going on around me. Growing up I always kept a journal. I had about 5 or 6 before I stopped keeping them. For years I wanted to write a book about my own life and experiences. However, parts of my own life are not worth writing about and I am not one that lives in the past very well. When I was a teenager my *new best friend at the time Liz read my journal. She even encouraged a few others to read it. In it I wrote about my first few thoughts on being gay. Suddenly, everything was out in the open all because my journal was being read. I call Liz my *new best friend because my whole life I have always had one best friend. That being Marie. Back then I rotated *new best friendships all the time. Marie would never do such a thing. She would never invade my personal space in such a tragic way. Why would anybody want to read somebodies journal? I would never want to know deep inner thoughts someone I knew was having. I don't know if any of this has any baring on why I don't keep a journal anymore. I don't think so because I kept one for years after. I got to a certain age where it just stopped. I also started to hate talking about myself so much. Part of it had to do with a time in my life that wasn't going so well and I think writing about it just made me feel worse. I haven't written in my journal since. "

I remember living in Boston....

and at the time I was very career driven. I had a lot of administrative experience. Office management/Human Resource type stuff. I was surely on my way to be coming successful. I was young. In my twenties. I had a lot going for me. It is strange for me to live in a place where my job options are limited. Working as a waiter can at times be fun. The pays not bad. I only have to do it seasonally. However, with that said running around getting ketchup for people is not something I was ever dreaming about as a kid. I did it as a job when I was in my teens. I remember the transition out of the restaurant world and into a more office corporate environment. I thought to myself "I'll never work as a waiter again." Yet, here I am now. I love Provinvcetown. I really do. But living here the goal is to just make money. It's not about career happiness at all. Not that working in an office corporate environment is something I really miss. Mostly, I just wish I was doing what I want to be doing with my life and career.

I take care of myself....

....I've always taken care of myself. I don't remember a time that I wasn't making my own decisions. I remember making choices for even my own Mother at times. I was 11 when I found an apartment that was actually better than all of our other places we lived. I am proud of myself. Most days I don't feel that way but I am . I am always looking back on my past and what happened even though I live in th moment. Kind of a strange combination about my personality.

Provinctown Mornings

I woke up rather early this morning from the sounds of somebody in my neighborhood making a low steady pounding noise. Whack Whack Whack Whack. It would stop for a moment and then just as I would drift off...Whack Whack Whack Whack. I didn't know what to make of it because it wasn't the same construction noises I normally hear.

The summer has started out slow but I feel really good. Next weekend the Portuguese Festival will really kick things off.

Having roommates for the first time in Provincetown has made things very interesting. I knew adjusting would be and I just hope I get through the season without too many hassles.

This is the first of what I hope will be many blog entries. I hear my roommates in the kitchen. I am going to go in and walk around making it seem like they are doing something wrong. =) Just kidding.

Times are busy !

I find it so hard to keep everything together latley but I am having a blast. Work, my boyfriend, the work schedule is so tough right now. Just when I get used to it all the season will be over. I hope I remember I am having so much fun right now.

Pieces of me!

Coming soon !